Friday, September 2, 2011

I seem to hibernate in the Summer...

It's been a lovely boring Spring and Summer. Now I am gearing up for a wonderful Fall! I have never really been a hot weather person. Even when I was a young girl and could wear a bathing suit without any reservations- I still preferred Autumn and Winter.

For me, Autumn means a fresh start.
A new beginning.
An emerging from the Fire.
All cleansed and purged.
Ready for the crispness of a new pair of shoes, a starchy pair of jeans, a SWEATER with cozy sleeves!

As a homeschooling mama, this time is even more concentrated on the "resolutions" of a New Year. Less television, more vegetables, more rhythm.

My precious Fatty Arbuckle turned 7 on Tuesday the 30th, and I have been in a deep sentimental state for the last week. I look at his precious face and remember the first time I saw him. I can still see my baby when I look at him.

And a few words about him... I had no idea what that baby was going to do for me. I was a drinker. I liked to have outdoor bonfire parties and get a little stoned with my pals. I used words that would make hookers cringe in disgust. I had a wretched diet. And I didn't really like most children.

But- When I held his little 7 pound 14 ounce body up to my nose and inhaled the scent of New Life; I was cleansed. I was changed. I myself was reborn. Anyone who knew me on August 29th, 2004 did not know me 24 hours later.

I wanted to give my boy better than I ever had. I wanted him to know and feel my love for him. I wanted him to feel safe and have no thoughts of fear or uncertainty. I wanted him to always know that if he reached out his pudgy little hand, he would touch me.

My Precious Fatty Arbuckle. A clean innocent life. And he chose me as his Mama. I vowed in my soul that I would not let him down. I would sacrifice anything for him. I made bargains with God to keep him safe and healthy. I realized that I had never been afraid before in my life before him. And now I feared that at any time The Universe would realize that a mistake was made and take him from me because I was completely undeserving of such a perfect baby.

So here I am from where I was. I stumble sometimes. I have regrets sometimes in the decisions I've made for my Firstborn. But, I have remained true in doing everything out of Love.

I intended this post to be about our plans for our year of Grade 1 in homeschool.  But, that will wait. Soon. I swear.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet soul thank you for sharing this beautiful beginning of your family journey! I love hearing stories of how our children motivate us to be our higher selves. Blessings on you and your great kiddos!